Control needs

What is a need for control?

Need for control means a strong desire or need to be in control of situations, people, environments or oneself. It can manifest itself in different ways and in varying degrees of severity depending on the individual and the circumstances.

People often have a desire to control and predict outcomes and may have a need for order and structure. Need for control can affect both personal and professional relationships. If you are a victim of someone with a need for control, it is good to seek help.

It is also important to seek help yourself if you notice that you have a need to control that has negative consequences.

According to Beyond Blue, 3 million Australians are living with anxiety. Anxiety is the most common mental health condition in Australia. 1 in 4 people will experience anxiety at some stage in their life.

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What causes you to develop a need to control?

Control issues can have various causes, including personality traits, past experiences, or as a reaction to stress or trauma. In some cases, it can be linked to underlying psychological conditions such as anxiety disorders or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It is also a component of eating disorders and personality disorders. It is also common in neuropsychiatric problems, such as autism.

Is OCD a diagnosis?

Control issues are not a psychiatric diagnosis, but they can be part of other mental health problems. This does not mean that having a need for control does not cause suffering that can affect both you and others, but the good thing is that it can be treated.

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Need for control in relationships

Control issues in relationships involve a person trying to dominate and control their partner’s behaviour, thoughts and feelings. This can arise from a desire to feel secure and stable, which can come from a personal lack of trust. The reason why people develop a need for control in relationships can be a result of, among other things, early experiences in relationships, uncertainty about their own identity and low self-esteem.

If a person has a need for control in a relationship, they tend to monitor their partner and restrict them in various ways. Emotional manipulation, such as using guilt and shame, is also common to get the person to do what they want. Criticism and devaluation can also be used to reduce the partner’s self-confidence. Other ways of exercising negative control include controlling the partner’s finances. You can also be jealous and isolate the person in various ways.

Need for control can lead to serious problems in a relationship where a power imbalance causes ill health. Need for control can also occur between other relationships such as with parents and friends. The person being controlled can feel stifled, diminished and insecure, which can lead to low self-esteem and depression. In the long run, this behaviour can lead to several negative consequences, as it becomes difficult for both parties to trust and respect each other.

Controlling relationships can develop into violent relationships and it is important to seek help as soon as possible. If necessary, contact a women’s shelter or the police on 000, if you are living in a violent relationship.

Need for control and perfectionism

The need for control is often high in people who are perfectionists. They want to be able to predict things and are inflexible in the face of changes such as when things don’t turn out the way they want. If you are very perfectionist, you may have difficulty trusting others and delegating tasks, which leads to stress because you have to do everything yourself. If things are not perfect, you may also become frustrated and angry. This can affect relationships and make it difficult to work with others.

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Symptoms of a need to control

The symptoms of control issues can vary, but usually they involve a pattern of behaviour where a person is constantly trying to control and influence their environment, including people, situations and outcomes. This can manifest itself in different ways:

1. Excessive organization and planning: A constant need to have everything organized and planned, often to the point where there is no room for spontaneity or unexpected events.
2. Micro-management: The need to control every aspect of a situation, project or people’s behaviour, often in great detail.
3. Difficulty delegating tasks: Not being able to trust others to perform tasks well enough, leading to taking on too much yourself.
4. Perfectionism: A constant striving for perfection in everything you do, which can create unrealistic expectations of yourself and others.
5. Difficulty with unpredictability: A strong aversion to uncertainty and change, which can lead to trying to control all variables to predict outcomes.
6. Excessive control in relationships: Trying to control the partner’s behaviours, choices and social interactions, which can include jealousy and isolation.
7. Fear of criticism: A desire to control how others perceive you, which may include over-interpreting feedback or criticism.
8. Difficulty managing emotions: Using control as a way to deal with anxiety, fear or other emotions.
9. Low tolerance for mistakes: getting very upset or angry about one’s own or others’ mistakes, as these are perceived as a lack of control.
10. Stress and anxiety: Constant stress and anxiety about things you cannot control.

If you recognize these symptoms, it is good to seek help to change these thought patterns and attitudes. This can reduce your stress, make you feel happier and make it easier to relate to other people.

Treatment for control issues

If you have control issues, you may benefit from psychological treatment to manage your behaviours and emotions. Therapies such as cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) can be particularly useful for learning how to deal with the need for control and working with underlying thoughts and feelings. For more severe problems, schema therapy can also be a helpful method, working more on patterns that have been present since childhood.

Treatment for control issues usually involves working on the underlying causes, learning new patterns of behaviour and developing healthier ways of managing your thoughts and how you act in different situations. Stress management and relaxation techniques can be used. Emotional management and communication skills are also usually part of the treatment to improve relationships. If necessary, medication can be helpful in combination with psychotherapy. Here are some strategies that can be used to treat control issues:

It is important to remember that treatment may vary depending on the person’s unique needs and situation. Professional help from a psychotherapist, psychologist or doctor may be necessary to determine the most effective treatment plan.

Seeking help can change your life

Talking to a professional therapist or psychologist can not only help you understand your problems better but also offer treatment to deal with them. You are not alone and it is okay to ask for help.

Your next step

If you or someone you know has controlling behaviours and beliefs, it is good to talk to a professional therapist or psychologist. We assure you that all therapists and psychologists on our platform are qualified and that your conversation is always confidential. Don’t be afraid to take the first step.

With the right support and tools, you can significantly improve your quality of life. If you are ready to take the step, we are here to support you. Book your first session today and start your journey towards a better future.