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We can all feel tired with our partner from time to time, but if you feel stuck in an unsatisfactory pattern, you may need more help. Here we look at how you can move forward.

Living in a boring relationship

Being in a boring relationship can sometimes be hard to recognize, especially when boredom creeps in gradually. One sign of being in such a relationship is a lack of enthusiasm for spending time together. Joint activities or plans may feel more like a routine than something to look forward to. Days can start to feel repetitive with nothing new or exciting happening. Communication between you may have become superficial or limited to practical matters, and deep or meaningful conversations are rare.

Another sign could be that physical intimacy has declined. You may have less physical contact than before and your sex life may have become less frequent or passionate. You may also start doing things separately instead of seeking shared experiences. Additionally, you may feel a lack of excitement or joy in seeing your partner or planning the future together. Thoughts of what life would be like without your partner or with someone else may emerge, indicating a desire for change. Small things that were previously ignored may start to irritate you more than usual.

If you recognize these signs, it could mean that your relationship is in a period of boredom. It is important to remember that many relationships go through phases where enthusiasm is lower. However, with open communication and a willingness to work together, there are opportunities to reintroduce excitement and strengthen the bonds in your relationship.

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What can you do if you are in a boring relationship?

If you feel that your relationship has become boring, there are several ways to reintroduce excitement and deeper connection. Here are some steps you can consider:

1. Communication

The first step is to talk openly with your partner about your feelings. Express that you want to improve your relationship and discuss possible ways to do so. It is important that you are both honest and open during this discussion.

2. Spend quality time together

In many relationships, boredom becomes a problem when couples stop spending quality time together. Plan regular date nights, try new activities together, or even plan a trip to break the routine.

3. Try new things

Trying new things together can reintroduce excitement into the relationship. It can be anything from trying a new hobby, learning a new skill together, or exploring new places.

4. Improve your sexual relationship

Sometimes boredom can come from a predictable sex life. Talk about your desires, try new things in the bedroom or plan romantic evenings to rekindle the passion.

5. Set common goals

Having common goals can strengthen your bond by working towards something together. It could be anything from saving money for a future trip, training for a half marathon, or learning a new skill together.

6. Show appreciation

Show appreciation for the little things your partner does. Small gestures of love and appreciation can make big differences in how you feel about each other.

7. Seek professional help

If you find it difficult to break the cycle of boredom on your own, it may be a good idea to seek professional help. A marriage counselor can offer strategies and tools to improve your relationship.

Feeling that a relationship has become boring is not unusual. With open communication, a willingness to try new things, and a commitment to work together, you and your partner can revitalize your relationship and make it more satisfying and exciting.


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What is couples therapy?

Couples therapy is psychotherapy that helps couples resolve conflicts, improve communication and strengthen their relationship. It is suitable for couples in all relationship types. It focuses on addressing issues that affect the health of the relationship. In therapy, the couple works with the therapist to understand the core issues, improve communication, manage disagreements and strengthen their relationship.

Therapy involves exploring the history of the relationship, improving the expression of thoughts and feelings, addressing specific problems such as finances or parenting, and developing conflict management strategies. Couples therapy is valuable during crises like infidelity or major changes. The goal is to help the couple understand what is best for them, whether that means staying together or separating in a healthy way.

The therapist acts as a neutral, supportive and objective party who helps the couple navigate through their problems without taking sides or placing blame. Seeking couples therapy can be a powerful step towards revitalizing a relationship and building a stronger, more fulfilling future together.

Treatment for relationship problems

Couples therapy begins with initial sessions where the therapist gets to know the couple and their challenges. Next, joint goals are set to improve the relationship, such as better communication or conflict management. The work phase focuses on developing communication skills, resolving conflicts, working through emotional issues and introducing positive behavioural changes, with active input from both partners. The process ends with an evaluation and a plan to maintain and improve the relationship further. The therapist’s role is to guide and support the couple through this process. The couple’s involvement is crucial for success. Couples therapy aims to provide insights and tools for a stronger and more satisfying relationship.

Different methods of couples therapy

There are several different approaches to couples therapy. Each method has its own theoretical basis and techniques to help couples improve their relationship. Here are two evidence-based approaches that are commonly used in couples therapy:

1. Integrative behavioural couple therapy (IBCT)

IBCT aims to help couples accept the irreconcilable differences between them and work on increasing closeness and understanding. This is accomplished through improving emotional acceptance and empathetic communication. The method combines behavioural changes with acceptance strategies. It is an evidence-based approach, meaning that it has been shown to produce good results in research. IBCT is a further development of cognitive behavioural therapy for couples.

2. Emotion-focused therapy (EFT)

EFT is a method that focuses on strengthening the emotional bond between partners. This is accomplished through exploring the emotional responses that underlie the couple’s interaction patterns. The therapy helps couples identify and express their underlying emotional needs. Ultimately, couples learn to meet each other’s needs in a more satisfying way. EFT is an evidence-based approach that has been shown to produce good results in research.

Each method has its own strengths and may be more or less appropriate depending on the couple’s specific situation and needs. There are also other methods such as the Gottman Method, other couples therapies and literature that can be helpful in learning more about relationships. Many couples therapists use a combination of these methods to best address the couple’s unique challenges.



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12 common questions and answers about boring relationships

What is a boring relationship?

A boring relationship is one where a pattern has developed for various reasons that leads to boredom. It can be caused by various factors but can be changed.

What are the signs of a boring relationship?

It can be that you are in a predictable routine, communication is mostly about practical things, there is less physical intimacy, things are done individually instead of together, you are thinking about others or are getting annoyed with your partner.

Can you change a boring relationship?

Many relationships go through phases where enthusiasm is lower, but with open communication and a willingness to work together, there are opportunities to reintroduce excitement and strengthen the bonds in your relationship. Commitment and excitement can return.

What can you do if you are in a boring relationship?

There are several things you can do such as improving communication, having more quality time together, trying new things and developing your sex life. You can also set common goals and find new ways to show appreciation. If necessary, couples therapy can also be helpful.

What is couples therapy?

Couples therapy is a form of psychotherapy that aims to help couples understand and resolve conflicts, improve their relationship and communication, and strengthen the closeness of the relationship.

How does treatment for relationship problems work?

Treatment often starts with an assessment phase to identify problems and patterns. This is followed by an active treatment phase where work on tools and strategies to change patterns is central. Finally, there is a closing phase where the treatment plan is reviewed and evaluated.

What is IBCT?

IBCT (integrative behavioural couple therapy) is an evidence-based therapy that aims to help couples accept the differences between them and work on increasing closeness and understanding. This is accomplished through improving emotional acceptance and empathetic communication. It combines behavioural changes with acceptance strategies.

What is EFT?

EFT (emotion-focused therapy) is an evidence-based therapy that focuses on building and strengthening the emotional bond between couples by exploring and reshaping the negative patterns of interaction that contribute to conflict and distance in the relationship.

I live in a loveless marriage, what should I do?

A first step is to try some of the solutions we suggest in the article above such as communication, quality time and trying new things. If you have already tried that, it may be helpful to go to couples’ therapy to get more help to change the pattern that has developed in the relationship.

I feel tired of my partner, can I find the spark again?

All relationships go through phases and sometimes you can get tired of your partner. There are many ways to rekindle the excitement. If you need more help, you can also go to couples therapy.

My partner has mental health problems, can we go to counselling?

If you or your partner have untreated depression, substance use disorder, or other mental health concerns, it is important to seek help for this separately from couples therapy. Ideally, these concerns should be addressed before you pursue couples therapy to ensure the best results.

Where can I seek help?

If you want to go to therapy, we recommend that you contact a licensed psychologist or therapist who works with couples. You can book a first appointment with one of our therapists here at Lavendla. We make the difficult easier.

Treatment for relationship problems with integrative behavioural couple therapy (IBCT)

Integrative behavioural couple therapy (IBCT) is an evidence-based form of couples therapy. The aim is to help couples improve their relationship by accepting each other and increasing the couple’s emotional closeness. IBCT combines traditional behavioural therapy techniques with a focus on both change and acceptance. Here is how a treatment with IBCT usually works:

Initial phase

  • Assessment: Treatment begins with a thorough assessment of the couple’s relationship. This includes their current problems, relationship history, and each party’s perspectives and experiences.
  • Feedback session: The therapist provides feedback based on the initial assessment. This phase often includes discussions about the couple’s strengths and areas that need development.

Work phase

  • Focus on acceptance: IBCT emphasizes the importance of accepting unbridgeable differences between partners. The therapist works with the couple to help them understand and empathetically accept each other’s needs, desires, and patterns of behaviour that cannot be easily changed.
  • Emotional closeness: By encouraging openness and communication, the therapist helps the couple increase their emotional closeness and understanding of each other.
  • Behaviour change: Although the focus is on acceptance, IBCT also includes strategies for behaviour change. This can involve developing new communication skills, solving problems, and working on improving daily interactions.

Closure

  • Evaluation of progress: Together, the therapist and the couple evaluate the progress made during therapy. This includes discussing any future steps and evaluating the need for continued support.

IBCT focuses on helping couples develop a deeper understanding and acceptance of each other. This, in turn, can lead to a more satisfying and sustainable relationship. By balancing acceptance with active change efforts, IBCT aims to reduce conflict, increase closeness and strengthen the emotional bond between partners.


Written by Sophia Coulter

Sophia is a registered nurse with experience in inpatient, emergency and community mental health care. She has a passion for providing emergency support for those experiencing mental health crises.