Co-dependency

What is co-dependency?

Co-dependency is a term used mainly in addiction treatment. It describes a caregiver’s relationship with someone who has a dependency or addiction, not usually related to alcohol or drugs. Co-dependency is a relationship dynamic where you become very preoccupied with another person’s problems in a way that allows you to overlook your own need for boundaries. People can also be co-dependent in other relationships, such as if a loved one has mental health problems.

Co-dependency can make you worry a lot and take over responsibility for another person’s life. It can go so far that the other person is belittled and does not need to take responsibility for themselves. This is a pattern that can be very draining for everyone involved in different ways. Co-dependency is not a medical diagnosis but is often described in terms of factors such as trauma, anxiety, depression or personality disorders.

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How common is co-dependency?

Co-dependency is not a diagnosis in the healthcare system, so it is not possible to say exactly how common it is but as an indicator, 24% of adults in England and Scotland regularly drink over the Chief Medical Officer’s low-risk guidelines. Those who report being negatively affected by someone else’s alcohol consumption are 1 in 10 people in general. There are also other dependencies such as gambling and drug abuse, but it is unclear how common this is and thus difficult to calculate statistics for co-dependency.

Co-dependent mental health problems

As co-dependency is not a medical diagnosis, people with this problem often seek help for other difficulties. These include problems with anxiety, depression, relationship problems and, in some cases, personality disorders.

People who are co-dependent may themselves have had a difficult childhood with problems such as trauma and neglect. This may be behind the problem behaviour. They may not have been taught to attend to their needs, express emotions in a healthy way and set healthy boundaries.

They may have adapted to a parent who, for various reasons, did not take responsibility for themselves. Behaviour can also be learned by copying the other parent’s co-dependent behavior towards a parent with, for example, substance abuse. Co-dependency is often an intergenerational problem that may have lasted for several generations.

Behind the behaviour, there may be long-standing feelings of shame and guilt. Involvement with others can cause people to avoid feeling and expressing their own emotions. One might not focus on their own life but become preoccupied with thoughts of the other person. This is a concern that is not always realistic. It can also make it more difficult for the co-dependent person to seek help for their problem.

Caring for others is healthy. However, in co-dependency this is often unrealistic and exaggerated in ways that have negative consequences for oneself and others. But there is help available.

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Co-dependent alcoholics

The term co-dependency was coined by doctors treating people with alcohol abuse where the doctors saw that the spouses also needed help. These spouses had a behaviour where they could clean up and do various facilitating actions. This made it more difficult for the alcoholics to overcome their addiction. They did not have to take responsibility for their lives. When the alcoholics became sober, wives could be bitter and angry with their husbands. As a result, methods to deal with co-dependency had to be developed.

In the 1950s in the US, self-help groups and treatments were set up for relatives of alcoholics. Since then, the concept has been broadened to include a variety of addictions and problem areas. This can range from drug addiction, gambling addiction, mental health problems in children or relationships with personality problems or criminality.

Co-dependent destructive relationships

If you are in a bad relationship, you may also have developed a co-dependency. It doesn’t have to be substance abuse, but sometimes you may have adapted to another person’s destructive behaviour and do not express your feelings or needs.

There may be underlying attachment issues and relationship patterns that need to change. You may notice that your partner easily becomes angry or critical in the relationship. You repeat the same conflicts and discussions without making progress. For milder relationship problems, we have licensed psychologists and couple therapists at Lavendla who can help.

For more severe problems such as domestic violence, you may have developed an approach where you explain away the person’s behaviour or problems. In these situations, the bond with the other person can be very difficult and it is important to seek help quickly. If you know someone close to you or are in a violent relationship yourself, you can contact the national domestic abuse hotline at 0808 2000 247 or 999. It is important to ask for help and get out of such relationships as soon as possible.

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Consequences of co-dependency

If you live in a co-dependent relationship with someone close to you, you must stop and reflect on what you want and what the consequences might be. Co-dependency often worsens in the long run. It is also a stress and the behaviour can lead to deteriorating health both mentally and physically. It is therefore important to seek help if you notice this behaviour so that you do not fall into a pattern that reduces your quality of life.

Symptoms of co-dependency

Co-dependency is a complex problem as it often develops early in life in close relationships, but also develops in adult relationships. The symptoms of co-dependency are not a diagnosis, but experiences that people may have when they are close to someone with severe problems. Common characteristics of co-dependency are:

1. Excessive focus on the other person: You may focus on the other person’s feelings, needs and problems, sometimes to the point of neglecting your own interests and needs.
2. Lack of boundaries: Co-dependent relationships are often characterised by a lack of healthy boundaries. The co-dependent person may have difficulty communicating their feelings and needs, afraid of what it would mean for the relationship. They may also find it difficult to say no, leading to negative consequences.
3. Change in self-esteem based on the well-being of the other person: A co-dependent may be so preoccupied with the other person that they do not have a sense of self-worth, and their emotions regulate depending on how the other person is feeling.
4. Fear of being abandoned or lonely: Co-dependent people may fear being alone or abandoned and so might stay in unhealthy relationships even if they are harmful to them.
5. Taking excessive responsibility for the other person’s problems: A co-dependent person may feel that it is their responsibility to solve the other person’s problems or to ‘save’ them from difficulties.
6. Devaluation of their own needs: The co-dependent person does not take responsibility for their own needs and desires but instead focuses on the other person.

If you recognise these symptoms, you may want to seek treatment. It is possible to change your patterns but it may take some time.