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Relationships can reach a point where love fades or even disappears. This does not necessarily mean the feelings have gone forever, but they may need help rediscovering. A couples therapist may be the solution.

How do you know if you’re not in love anymore?

In many relationships, there comes a time when one partner may feel they are no longer in love. This can be a difficult and confusing experience, especially when thinking about questions like “am I still in love?” or “why am I not in love anymore?” It is important to understand the signs that may indicate that you are no longer in love and how to deal with the lack of a feeling.

Signs of fading love

When love starts to fade in a relationship, it often manifests itself through different signs. Here are the most common signals that love is starting to fade, or at least cool down temporarily.

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Physical distance

A sign that something is not right in a relationship can be increased physical distance. This means not only physical separation due to work or other commitments, but also a reduced willingness to seek closeness or physical contact. It may mean that a partner no longer seeks hugs, kisses or other forms of physical closeness that were previously common. Physical distance can be a sign of emotional distance and can affect the intimacy of the relationship. It is important to pay attention to this change, as physical closeness is often a fundamental part of the emotional bond in a relationship.

Emotional absence

Emotional absence in a relationship occurs when one or both partners feel mentally and emotionally distant. This can manifest itself through a lack of interest in the partner’s life, thoughts or feelings. It could be that conversations become more superficial, or that the deeper conversations previously shared are now avoided. This absence can create a gap between partners, making it difficult to maintain a sense of closeness and understanding. Reconnecting on an emotional level requires time, patience and sometimes professional help.


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Irritation and frustration

Irritation and frustration are natural parts of any relationship, but when they become constant, they can indicate deeper problems. It can start with small annoyances that escalate into larger conflicts. Then things that were once ignored or accepted can now cause irritation. This can be a sign of underlying unhappiness or dissatisfaction in the relationship. It is important to identify the source of the irritation and deal with it in a healthy way, through open communication and working together to resolve conflicts.

Disinterest in the future

A sign of problems in a relationship can be a loss of interest in discussing or planning for the future together. This may mean that one partner no longer seems enthusiastic about joint plans, such as travel, buying a house, or even discussing family life. This change may signal an uncertainty about the future of the relationship or a reluctance to make a longer-term commitment. It is important to confront these feelings directly and openly to understand what each partner wants and expects from the relationship.

Communication problems

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, and a lack of communication can lead to serious problems. These can include poor listening, misunderstandings, or avoiding conversations about important topics. Communication problems can also include negative communication patterns, such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and silent treatment (sometimes called stonewalling). These problems can damage the foundation and trust of the relationship. To solve communication problems, it is important that both parties are committed to improving their way of communicating and are willing to listen to and understand each other.


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Lack of effort

Relationships require continuous effort from both parties. When one or both begin to stop making an effort, the relationship can begin to lose its spark. This can include no longer making small gestures, such as planning date nights or surprises, or stopping showing appreciation for the partner. Lack of effort can also manifest itself in not working on personal growth or relationship development. Therefore, effort and newfound commitment to the relationship can revive the love and strengthen the bond between the partners.

Reasons for problems in the relationship

There are many reasons why you may not feel in love anymore. Stress, life changes, or a sense of growing apart can be contributing factors. In some cases, it may be a temporary feeling that can be overcome with time and effort.

Dealing with lack of love

  • Communication: Openly discussing your feelings with your partner can be a first step. It can be challenging to say “I’m not in love anymore,” but honesty is important.
  • Couples therapy: Seeking professional help can provide new perspectives and tools to deal with the situation.
  • Self-reflection: Understanding your own feelings and needs is important. Questions such as “don’t know if I’m in love” require time and self-awareness to answer.
  • Rediscovering each other: Sometimes you can find your way back by rediscovering each other, spending time together or trying new activities.
  • Accepting change: Sometimes you have to accept that feelings change, and it’s okay to move on.

Get clarity through real support

If you feel that you are not in love anymore, it is important not to ignore these feelings. Couples therapy can be a first step in understanding your feelings, it can in turn help you formulate what you want from your relationship. At Lavendla, we make the difficult easier. Take care of your mental health and your relationships. If you or your partner are experiencing difficulties, don’t hesitate to contact us for support and guidance.


14 common questions about not being in love

How do you know that you are not in love anymore?

Recognising the signs that you are not in love anymore can be difficult. Common indicators include a lack of emotional attachment, decreased interest in your partner’s life, and no desire to spend time together. It is important to reflect on your feelings and perhaps seek professional counselling to understand them better.

Why can’t some people fall in love?

The inability to fall in love can be due to several factors, such as past negative experiences in relationships, fear of intimacy or emotional blocks. Sometimes it can also be related to psychological conditions such as alexithymia, which means that someone has difficulty identifying and expressing emotions.

How do you know when you are tired of your partner?

Getting tired of your partner can manifest itself in different ways. Common signs are irritation over small things, lack of communication, and a feeling of being stuck in a routine without emotional satisfaction. It is important to communicate these feelings with your partner and consider couples therapy to revive the relationship.

Why do we stop being in love?

Losing feelings of love can be due to several factors, including changes in life situations, personal growth leading to different life goals, or a lack of emotional connection over time. Sometimes it can be the result of unresolved conflicts or a lack of shared interests and activities that keep the relationship alive.

How do I deal with feelings of not being in love?

Dealing with these feelings begins with self-reflection and honest communication with your partner. Professional counselling can help you explore feelings and determine the next steps. It is important to remember that love can change over time, and sometimes rekindling love means working through challenges together.

Can love reappear after disappearing?

Yes, it is possible that love can be resurrected. It often requires a conscious effort from both parties to rediscover what originally connected them, as well as to work through any issues that may have caused distance. Therapy and open communication can be crucial to this process.

Is it normal to sometimes feel that you are not in love?

It is perfectly normal for emotions to fluctuate in a relationship. Stress, everyday challenges and other external factors can temporarily affect your feelings. It is important to communicate these feelings and work together to understand and overcome these periods.

How is not being in love different from just being tired of the routines of the relationship?

Not being in love involves a lack of emotional connection and desire for intimacy, while being tired of routines often involves feeling stuck in predictable patterns and lacking excitement. To inject excitement, new activities and experiences can reinvigorate the relationship.

Does social media and comparing ourselves with other couples affect our feelings of love?

Social media can definitely contribute to unrealistic expectations of your relationship. Constant comparison to other couples can reduce relationship satisfaction and create a feeling of something missing, which can affect feelings of love.

Can long-distance relationships cause people to feel unloved?

Long-distance relationships present unique challenges, and the distance can sometimes lead to a sense of emotional separation. Regular communication, trust and planning for the future are crucial to maintaining a sense of closeness and love in such relationships.

Are there signs that you are falling out of love?

Yes, such as reduced communication, lack of interest in physical closeness, and often feeling irritated or dissatisfied with your partner. These signs can be a signal that it is time to reflect on the relationship.

How does lack of communication affect the feeling of not being in love?

Lack of communication can lead to misunderstandings, frustration and emotional distance. It can create a gap between partners and contribute to a feeling of being unloved or not in love, making it difficult to deal with underlying issues.

Can external stressors make you feel unloved?

External stressors such as work-related stress, financial worries, or family issues can affect your emotional state and energy levels, which then affect your feelings in a relationship.

Is it possible to fall in love again after a period of emotional distance?

It is absolutely possible to regain love after a period of emotional distance. This may require a conscious effort to reinvigorate the relationship, including increased communication, sharing new experiences together, and in some cases seeking support from a relationship expert or counsellor.

How to deal with suddenly not being in love?

It can be deeply confusing and painful when feelings of love in a relationship begin to wane. It is a situation that many couples face, but few know how to deal with it constructively. Contacting a therapist for couples therapy can be a significant step in navigating these challenging feelings.

Acknowledge and accept

The first step is to acknowledge to each other that the feelings have changed. This requires open communication and honesty. Accepting the situation is necessary to be able to move on.

Understand why

Try to understand what might have caused the change in feelings. Sometimes external factors such as stress or work-related problems can play a major role. Reflecting on these factors can help identify the core of the problem.

Contact a therapist

Once you have acknowledged and started to understand your feelings, the next step is to contact a professional. Therapists who specialise in relationships and couples therapy can offer a neutral platform for discussion and reflection.

Engaging in therapy

Going to therapy is just the beginning. It is important that both parties are committed to the process and are open to exploring their feelings, behaviours and thought patterns with the therapist.

Use tools and strategies

During therapy, you will be given tools and strategies to deal with your situation. This may include communication exercises, ways to deal with conflict, and rediscovering what once united you.

Reassess and continue to grow

Therapy is not a quick fix, but a journey. It is important to regularly reassess the relationship and continue to work with the methods and insights gained from therapy.

Losing love in a relationship can feel overwhelming, but it is not necessarily the end. With the right support and commitment, couples therapy can be a powerful tool to rebuild and strengthen a relationship. Our team of experienced psychologists and therapists are here to support you through this journey. Contact Lavendla today to begin your path to renewed understanding and love.

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Written by dominic

Dominic is a Cape Town-based copywriter and editor with a background in psychology.