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If you find yourself in relationships that negatively affect your self-esteem, drain your energy to take care of yourself, and lack boundaries, you could be codependent.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a term used mainly in addiction treatment and describes a caregiver’s relationship with someone who has a dependency or addiction. Codependency is a relationship dynamic in which one person is so preoccupied with the other’s emotional problems that boundaries and limits cease to exist. Codependency can lead to excessive anxiety about and responsibility for another person’s safety and health. Codependency is not a medical or psychiatric diagnosis but is often used to describe dysfunctional relationships that are affected by trauma, addiction, and/or severe mental illness.
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How common is codependency?
Codependency is not a formal diagnosis, so it is very difficult to determine how common codependency is. Researchers estimate that the majority of Americans have shown some sort of codependent behavior during their lifetimes, though it is likely that severe codependency affects only a small percentage of the population.
Codependency and mental health problems
It is extremely common for individuals with codependency to also struggle with other mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, relationship problems, and personality disorders. Codependent behaviors including trouble setting boundaries and expressing emotions in healthy ways can also stem from past trauma and neglect. Codependency is often an intergenerational problem that is passed down through families due to a lack of healthy modeling as well.
Therapists who treat codependency know that often there are feelings of shame and guilt underneath the codependent behaviors. By becoming immersed in another person’s emotional life, the codependent individual can avoid their own thoughts and feelings because of the pressure to take care of the other person. While an ability to take care of others is a sign of health, codependents often have high expectations of themselves in terms of being able to meet the emotional and psychological needs of their partners, friends, or family members.
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Codependent alcoholic
The term “codependency” was coined by doctors of patients with alcoholism to describe the behaviors of the patients’ spouses. These spouses often were taking on the role of actually facilitating the addiction, making it more difficult for the patient to stop the behavior. Self-help groups and treatment programs were introduced in America in the 1950’s for relatives of alcoholics to address some of these enabling behaviors. Since then, the concept has been broadened to include a variety of addictions and problem areas.
Codependent relationships
Not all unhealthy relationships are codependent, but most codependent relationships are unhealthy. Due to underlying attachment issues and relationship patterns, individuals find themselves replaying problematic dynamics that create codependency and require lots of support to change. Lavendla therapists can help with most types of codependency by examining clients’ communication and relationship dynamics and providing corrective experiences such as healthy conversations about differing opinions.
For more severe problems such as domestic violence, codependents often develop ways of explaining away the other person’s behavior or problems. It can be extremely difficult to leave the relationship because of the strength of the emotional attachment as well as fears involving safety. If you are a victim of domestic violence or you are close to someone who is, you can contact 911 for emergencies or call (800) 799-7233 for the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
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Consequences of codependency
If you are in a codependent relationship, it is essential at some point to pause and reflect on what the relationship is giving you and what changes you want to see. It is extremely difficult for codependent relationships to improve on their own over time due to their draining emotional demands. Seek help if you notice codependency in yourself or your partner so you both can live healthier, more enriching lives.
Symptoms of codependency
Codependency is a complex problem that often develops early in life, but it can also emerge in more difficult relationships in adulthood. Common characteristics of co-dependency are:
- Excessive focus on the other person. You may focus on the other person’s feelings, needs, and problems, sometimes to the point of neglecting your own interests and needs.
- Lack of boundaries. Codependent relationships are often characterized by a lack of healthy boundaries. The codependent person may have difficulty communicating their feelings and needs and be afraid of what a boundary would mean for the relationship. They may also find it difficult to say no to the other person.
- Changes in self-esteem based on the well-being of the other person. A codependent individual may be so preoccupied with the other person that they do not have a sense of self-worth, as their emotions depend solely on how the other person is feeling.
- Fear of being abandoned or lonely. Codependent people may fear being alone or abandoned and may therefore stay in unhealthy relationships even when harmful.
- Taking excessive responsibility for the other person’s problems. A codependent person may feel that it is their responsibility to solve the other person’s problems or to ‘save’ them from difficulties.
- Devaluation of their own needs. The co-dependent person does not take responsibility for their own needs and desires but instead focuses on the other person.
If these symptoms sound familiar, treatment with one of our Lavendla therapists can help.
12 common questions and answers about codependency
What is codependency?
Codependency is a term used mainly in addiction treatment to describe dynamics between the person with an addiction and their partner, close friends, or family members. Codependency refers to the development of a relationship dynamic in which a person becomes very preoccupied with another person’s problems in a way that allows them to overlook their own need for boundaries.
Is codependency a diagnosis?
No, codependency is not a psychiatric diagnosis but it can be explained by various conditions such as anxiety, depression, trauma, attachment problems and/or personality problems.
Can codependency be cured?
Codependency can be treated, but it can take time and requires thorough work on thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
What are the signs that I may be codependent?
Signs of codependency include being very preoccupied with another person’s problems to the detriment of your own life and needs.
What are the risks of codependency?
The potential risks of codependency include getting stuck in an unhealthy destructive relationship pattern. You may also experience high levels of stress and depression.
How common is codependency?
It is widely suspected that most people experience some form of codependency in their lifetimes. However, a much smaller percentage of the population are in severely codependent relationships that negatively impact their physical and emotional health.
What treatment options are available?
There are several different types of treatment for codependency such as medication, therapy, and support groups.
How long does it take to get rid of codependency?
It varies from person to person and what kind of therapy you receive. If you have underlying trauma from your childhood, treatment may take longer.
Can codependency be linked to other problems such as mental illness?
Yes, often codependency occurs in people with anxiety, depression, trauma, and/or personality disorders.
What resources are available?
In addition to our professional therapists and psychologists, there are many websites, books, and support groups that can offer additional information and support for people with codependency.
Can I be treated online?
Yes, Lavendla therapists offer treatment exclusively online via our secure telehealth platform.
What can I do if I want to be free from my codependency?
At Lavendla, we have qualified professionals who can help you break free from codependency. If you’re ready to change, we can make the difficult easier.
Treatment for codependency
Treatment for codependency includes different interventions. Individual psychotherapy helps people suffering from codependency examine their own motivations, feelings, and internal struggles. Family or couples therapy helps improve communication patterns and identify unhealthy ways of relating to others in relationships. Additional interventions, such as support or self-help groups, can also be invaluable sources of comfort and community in the midst of making difficult changes. If behaviors have become so severe that they are seriously impacting someone’s health and safety, treatment centers that offer a combination of individual, family, and group therapy may be good options.
12-step programs
The 12-step program is a self-help organization for people with different types of addiction and codependency. It is a voluntary association entirely funded by donations and focuses on a higher power as a source of motivation. For family members, Al-Anon and Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) are accepting spaces for people to share their experiences with others who have been through similar things. and meet others who are also experiencing similar problems.
Finding help
Awareness and acknowledgment that you cannot face your codependent tendencies alone is the first step. By working with a psychologist or therapist, you can begin to understand your symptoms and triggers, which is crucial for long-term change.
Take the next step
Here at Lavendla, we know that is never too late to break free from codependency. If you are experiencing signs of codependency that are affecting your personal life or work, contact one of our qualified therapists today.
If you’re ready, we are too!
When you feel it’s time to invest in your mental and physical health by addressing codependency, we have qualified therapists who can help you on your journey. Our core principle is to make the difficult easier for you.
