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Are you struggling with a fear of abandonment or avoiding close relationships? If so, you may have relationship anxiety. Here we explain what it is and how you can get help.
What is relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety is a form of anxiety disorder that is mainly linked to relationships. This anxiety can affect both individuals who are in a relationship and those who are single but worried about future relationships. It is a fear or worry that can be linked to many aspects of a romantic relationship, from the beginning of a relationship to its development and maintenance. The cause of relationship anxiety is often complex but it is possible to get treatment and relate better to other people.
Relationship anxiety early in life
Relationship anxiety can develop early in life during attachment to our parents or other caregivers. If caregivers weren’t predictable, often responded to us with anger, or were withdrawn and emotionally absent, then we carry these wounds into our future relationships. It is possible, however, to learn different ways of being in relationship to others with the help of treatment.
The role of attachment in relationship anxiety
Attachment to other people is something that is established during the first years of life. Research shows that there are four different attachment styles: secure, ambivalent, avoidant and disorganized.
In secure attachment, there is often clear communication and stable contact with other people. There is little fear of closeness or abandonment. In ambivalent attachment, you may be very anxious and seek a lot of reassurance from your partner about not being abandoned. The avoidant attachment person is more withdrawn in relationships and does not get close to others. The disorganized attachment is very much based on fear and may become confused and unpredictable in contact with others.
Studies have shown that around 60% of the population have secure attachments. About 15% have avoidant attachment styles, 10-15% have an ambivalent attachment style and 15-20% have a disorganized attachment style. Attachment is not a diagnosis but only a theory that can explain how we behave in relationships. It is possible to get help if you think you have problematic attachment patterns.
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Causes of relationship anxiety
Causes of relationship anxiety can be varied and include previous negative relationship experiences growing up, low self-esteem, fear of repeating the mistakes of previous relationships, or insecurity and uncertainty in the current relationship. There may also be underlying trauma and it is good to seek help from a licensed psychologist or therapist if you have these issues.
Symptoms of relationship anxiety
Symptoms and signs of relationship anxiety can include:
- Fear of rejection: An overwhelming concern about being rejected by the partner, which can lead to avoiding approaching or engaging fully in the relationship.
- Fear of intimacy: Difficulties in creating or maintaining emotional closeness, often due to fear of being hurt.
- Excessive concern about the status of the relationship: Constant doubts about the stability of the relationship or the partner’s feelings, even in the absence of real problems. This may involve asking the partner again or otherwise seeking confirmation.
- Jealousy and distrust: Unjustified feelings of jealousy or a tendency to suspect the partner without reason. It can also be related to various control behaviors.
- Need for constant reassurance: Continually seeking confirmation and reassurance of the partner’s feelings and commitments in the relationship.
- Avoidance behavior: Avoiding serious relationships or withdrawing from a relationship when it starts to become serious or when feeling close for fear of losing autonomy.
- Emotional roller coaster: Experiencing extreme highs and lows in mood based on events in the relationship.
If you are having difficulties in your relationship or relating in general, you may want to seek help. The problems may also be related to other disorders such as trauma, social phobia or other anxiety disorders so it is important to get an assessment from a licensed psychologist or qualified therapist.
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Treatment of relationship anxiety
Treatment for relationship anxiety can include therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), to work on triggering situations, thoughts and behaviors. Couples therapy can also be helpful in managing anxiety within a relationship. Developing good communication and trust is also key to reducing relationship anxiety.
The length of treatment depends on the severity of the problem. It ranges from several sessions to several years, depending on how it manifests itself. Finding a psychologist or therapist that you can trust and rely on is essential as the relationship with the therapist is important.
Managing relationship anxiety
Relationships with other people are human experiences that touch the core of our existence. It is therefore useful to seek help to change your patterns and create more intimacy in your relationships. Our service offers contact with psychologists and therapists who are ready to support you through your journey.
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12 common questions and answers about relationship anxiety
What is relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety is a form of anxiety disorder that is mainly linked to intimate relationships.
What causes relationship anxiety?
Causes of relationship anxiety can be varied and include previous negative relationship experiences growing up, low self-esteem, fear of repeating the mistakes of previous relationships, or insecurity and uncertainty in the current relationship. Underlying trauma can also be a cause and it is important to seek help from a licensed psychologist for these symptoms.
What does attachment have to do with relationship anxiety?
Attachment is something we create in relation to our primary caregivers depending on how they meet our needs. There are four different attachment styles: secure, ambivalent, avoidant and disorganized. Attachment theory is a theory of relating and not a diagnosis.
How is relationship anxiety different from regular anxiety?
Relationship anxiety appears specifically in close intimate relationships. Regular anxiety can surface in a variety of ways and is not necessarily confined to relationships.
How common are the different attachment styles?
Studies have shown that around 60% of the population are securely attached, around 15% avoidant, 10-15% ambivalent and 15-20% have a disorganized attachment.
Does relationship anxiety develop at a certain age?
The foundation for relationship anxiety can be laid in the early years of life but it can also be influenced by later events of stress and difficult life events such as trauma.
How does social media affect relationship anxiety?
Social media can exacerbate relationship anxiety by comparing oneself a lot to others, which can increase negative feelings.
What are the symptoms of relationship anxiety?
There are many symptoms of relationship anxiety including jealousy, a fear of rejection, and a fear of intimacy.
Is it common to feel fear with relationship anxiety?
It is not uncommon to feel fear in the context of relationship anxiety, although in more severe cases the fear tends to be stronger. It is important to acknowledge your feelings and work through them, possibly with the help of a therapist.
Can relationship anxiety be treated?
Treatment for relationship anxiety includes therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to work through anxiety-provoking thoughts and behaviors.
What is schema therapy?
Schema therapy is a cognitive therapy method developed to address different attitudes and life patterns that have been present since childhood and adolescence.
Where can I go if I need help?
Through our site you can book an initial session with a licensed psychologist or therapist to describe your problems and start planning a treatment. We have therapists working in CBT, schema therapy and couples therapy. We can help you make the difficult things easier.
Treating relationship anxiety with cognitive behavioral therapy
Here we go through how relationship anxiety could be treated using CBT.
Assessment of symptoms
The first step is for a licensed psychologist or qualified therapist to help you evaluate your situation and history. They will assess whether your problems may also be related to other mental health problems. You may also be asked to complete assessment forms.
Psychoeducation and goals
You will learn about how your thoughts, feelings and behaviors affect you both physically and mentally. They work on analyzing situations and also set goals for treatment.
Tools to change behaviors and patterns
You will work on identifying and changing patterns of thoughts and behaviors. You and your therapist can work with different tools to overcome your problem. You will be given homework to practice between sessions.
For more severe problems, try schema therapy
If you experience problems since childhood that cause a lot of suffering in relation to other people, you can try schema therapy. It is a cognitive method developed to work on life patterns that cause problems and aims to increase the quality of life.
Couples therapy for relationship problems
If you have problems in your romantic relationship and have developed unhealthy patterns, you can also go to couple therapy. Integrative Behavioral Therapy for Couples (IBCT) is a form of CBT meant especially for couples.
Follow up and evaluate progress
You will be supported by your psychologist throughout the process. At the end of the treatment, you will also receive a plan to continue practicing and maintain your progress over time.
Feel free to book a first session with one of our licensed psychologists or therapists to see how we can help you. We make the hard things easier.
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