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Do you have a strong need to be in control of situations, other people or yourself? Are you in a controlling relationship? Then you may be suffering from a damaging need to control.
What is a need for control?
Need for control means a strong desire or need to be in control of situations, people, environments or oneself. It can manifest itself in different ways and in varying degrees of severity depending on the individual and the circumstances.
People often have a desire to control and predict outcomes and may have a need for order and structure. Need for control can affect both personal and professional relationships. If you are a victim of someone with a need for control, you can find support and help through therapy. It is also important to seek help yourself if you notice that you have a need to control that has negative consequences.
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What causes you to develop a need to control?
Control issues can have various causes, including personality traits, past experiences, or as a reaction to stress or trauma. In some cases, it can be linked to underlying psychological conditions such as anxiety disorders or obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It is also a component of eating disorders and personality disorders. It is also common in neuropsychiatric problems, such as autism.
Are control issues a diagnosis?
Control issues are not a psychiatric diagnosis, but they can be part of other mental health problems. Having a need for control can still cause suffering that affects both you and others, but thankfully it can be treated.
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Need for control in relationships
Control issues in relationships involve a person trying to dominate and control their partner’s behavior, thoughts and feelings. This can arise from a desire to feel secure and stable, which can come from a personal lack of trust. The reason why people develop a need for control in relationships can be a result of, among other things, early experiences in relationships, uncertainty about their own identity and low self-esteem.
If a person has a need for control in a relationship, they tend to monitor their partner and restrict them in various ways. Emotional manipulation, such as using guilt and shame, is also common to get the person to do what they want. Criticism and devaluation can also be used to reduce the partner’s self-confidence. Other ways of exercising negative control include controlling the partner’s finances. You can also be jealous and isolate the person in various ways.
Need for control can lead to serious problems in a relationship where a power imbalance causes serious conflict. Need for control can also occur between other relationships such as with parents and friends. The person being controlled can feel stifled, diminished and insecure, which can lead to low self-esteem and depression. In the long run, this behavior can lead to several negative consequences, as it becomes difficult for both parties to trust and respect each other.
Controlling relationships can develop into violent relationships and it is important to seek help as soon as possible. If necessary, contact a domestic violence shelter if you are living in a violent relationship.
Need for control and perfectionism
The need for control is often high in people who are perfectionists. They want to be able to predict things and are inflexible in the face of changes such as when things don’t turn out the way they want. If you are very perfectionist, you may have difficulty trusting others and delegating tasks, which leads to stress because you have to do everything yourself. If things are not perfect, you may also become frustrated and angry. This can affect relationships and make it difficult to work with others.
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Symptoms of a need to control
The symptoms of control issues can vary, but usually they involve a pattern of behavior where a person is constantly trying to control and influence their environment, including people, situations and outcomes. This can manifest itself in different ways:
- Excessive organization and planning: A constant need to have everything organized and planned, often to the point where there is no room for spontaneity or unexpected events.
- Micro-management: The need to control every aspect of a situation, project or people’s behavior, often in great detail.
- Difficulty delegating tasks: Not being able to trust others to perform tasks well enough, leading to taking on too much yourself.
- Perfectionism: A constant striving for perfection in everything you do, which can create unrealistic expectations of yourself and others.
- Difficulty with unpredictability: A strong aversion to uncertainty and change, which can lead to trying to control all variables to predict outcomes.
- Excessive control in relationships: Trying to control the partner’s behaviors, choices and social interactions, which can include jealousy and isolation.
- Fear of criticism: A desire to control how others perceive you, which may include over-interpreting feedback or criticism.
- Difficulty managing emotions: Using control as a way to deal with anxiety, fear or other emotions.
- Low tolerance for mistakes: Getting very upset or angry about one’s own or others’ mistakes, as these are perceived as a lack of control.
- Stress and anxiety: Constant stress and anxiety about things you cannot control.
If you recognize these symptoms, you can seek help to change these thought patterns and attitudes. This can reduce your stress, make you feel happier and make it easier to relate to other people.
Treatment for control issues
If you have control issues, you may benefit from psychological treatment to manage your behaviors and emotions. Therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be particularly useful for learning how to deal with the need for control and working with underlying thoughts and feelings. For more severe problems, schema therapy can also be a helpful method, working more on patterns that have been present since childhood.
Treatment for control issues usually involves working on the underlying causes, learning new patterns of behavior and developing healthier ways of managing your thoughts and how you act in different situations. Stress management and relaxation techniques can be used. Emotional management and communication skills are also usually part of the treatment to improve relationships. If necessary, medication can be helpful in combination with psychotherapy.
It is important to remember that treatment may vary depending on the person’s unique needs and situation. Professional help from a psychotherapist, psychologist or doctor may be necessary to determine the most effective treatment plan.
Seeking help can change your life
Talking to a professional therapist or psychologist can help you understand your problems better and help you deal with them. You aren’t alone!
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If you or someone you know is struggling with compulsive behaviors, it’s a wise idea to talk to a professional therapist or psychologist. All of our therapists and psychologists are qualified and your conversation is always confidential. Don’t be afraid to take the first step.
Living with control needs can be a daily struggle but fortunately there is help available. With the right support and tools, you can significantly improve your quality of life. If you are ready to take the plunge, we’re here to support you. Book your first session today and start your journey towards a better future.
12 frequently asked questions about need for control
What is a need for control?
Need for control means a strong desire or need to be in control of situations, people, environments or oneself. It can manifest itself in different ways and in varying degrees of severity depending on the individual and the circumstances.
Is a need for control a diagnosis?
Need for control is not a psychiatric diagnosis but it can occur in various psychiatric conditions. It is a way of coping with life but can also be a personality trait.
Are control issues hereditary?
Control issues can have various causes, including past experiences or reactions to stress or trauma. In some cases, it can be linked to underlying psychological conditions such as anxiety, eating disorders, personality disorders and neuropsychiatric problems.
What are the symptoms of a need for control?
People often have a desire to control and predict outcomes and may have a need for order and structure. Control issues can affect both personal and professional relationships.
How are control needs treated?
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of treatment that focuses on thoughts, feelings and behaviors that can be helpful. There are also other methods such as schema therapy that can help to bring about change if you have more severe problems.
Can you have other mental health problems with control issues?
Control issues can occur in several different psychiatric conditions such as OCD, eating disorders, personality disorders and autism. If you think you have any of these other conditions, it is important to seek help for them too.
I have a problem with being controlling, what should I do?
The first step to change is admitting that you have a problem. Next, contact a licensed psychologist or therapist for further assessment and support.
How does growing up affect control needs?
Unpredictable childhoods, traumatic events, and controlling parents can all eventually lead to someone having an intense need for control. Therapy will examine all the underlying reasons for your current control needs so you can get individualized help.
Does the need for control affect the ability to work?
Yes, it can affect your ability to function by making you stressed, irritable, and frustrated. You can become very detail-oriented and have difficulty with changes, which can cause problems.
I am in a relationship where I feel controlled, what should I do?
Being in a controlling relationship can be hard on self-esteem and confidence. If you’re in an unhealthy relationship, you should seek help from a professional therapist or psychologist.
Is it possible to go to couples therapy if one partner in the relationship has a need for control?
It is possible to go to couples therapy to treat patterns in the relationship, but if there is violence in the relationship you should contact a domestic violence shelter or 911.
Where can I turn if I need help?
If you experience symptoms of control needs, it is important to seek professional help. Our psychologists and therapists are available for online consultations at your convenience.
Couple therapy for control issues
To address control issues in relationships, it is important to identify patterns of this behavior and work on them. Communication is also a crucial part of treatment; expressing feelings and needs in a healthy way can help resolve conflict and build a stronger, more equal relationship. It is also important for the person being controlled to set boundaries and communicate their needs clearly. Working through control needs in relationships is a process that requires time and patience. It is important to remember that both parties in a relationship deserve to feel respected, valued and free to be themselves.
If the relationship is destructive and abusive and/or if there is violence in the relationship, it is important to get help as soon as possible. This may mean contacting a domestic violence shelter or calling 911 if necessary.
What does treatment for control needs involve?
Seeking help is a big step towards better health. Deciding to take control of how you feel is a positive thing. Here is an overview of the steps usually involved in therapy.
Step 1: An initial assessment session
The first meeting with your psychologist or therapist is usually a diagnostic evaluation to review your mental and physical health. You may be asked questions about your life situation, feelings, thoughts and behaviors. You may also be asked to complete assessment forms.
Step 2: Goal setting
This is where you and your therapist set concrete goals for the therapy, both short and long term.
Step 4: Treatment
This is the start of the actual treatment phase, which may include treatment such as Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and medication if necessary. The therapy may include exercises and homework assignments aimed at giving you tools to change the way you feel.
Step 5: Monitoring and evaluation
Treatment is monitored regularly to see how well the therapy is working. If necessary, the treatment plan can be adjusted or renewed.
Step 6: Ending and looking ahead
As the therapy comes to an end, it is time to reflect on the progress made. You will also receive a plan on how to use the tools and strategies you have learned in the future.
If you or someone close to you is seeking professional help for control needs, don’t hesitate to book a session with one of our qualified psychologists or therapists. For immediate assistance, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
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