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Do you often prioritize the needs of others over your own? Do you struggle with setting personal boundaries and suffer from low self-esteem? These can be indicators of codependency. This article will explain how codependency develops and what it entails and guide you in seeking help.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a term used in addiction treatment. It describes a caregiver’s relationship with someone who has a dependency or addiction, not usually related to alcohol or drugs. Codependency is a relationship dynamic where you become very preoccupied with another person’s problems in a way that allows you to overlook your need for boundaries. People can also be codependent in other relationships, such as if a loved one has mental health problems.
Codependency can make you worry and take over responsibility for another person’s life. It can go so far that the other person does not need to take responsibility for themselves. This pattern can be draining for everyone involved in different ways. Codependency is not a medical diagnosis but is often described in terms of factors such as trauma, anxiety, depression or personality disorders.
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How common is codependency?
Codependency is not a diagnosis in the healthcare system, so it is not possible to say exactly how common it is. Globally, 1 in 10 people report being negatively affected by someone else’s alcohol consumption. There are also other dependencies, such as gambling and drug abuse, but it is unclear how common these are, and thus, it is challenging to calculate statistics for codependency.
Codependent mental health problems
Although codependency is not a medical diagnosis, people with this problem often seek help for other difficulties. These include anxiety, depression, relationship problems and, in some cases, personality disorders.
Codependent people may themselves have had a difficult childhood with problems such as trauma and neglect. This may be behind problematic behaviour. They may not have been taught to address their needs, healthily express emotions and set boundaries.
People who find themselves in a codependent relationship may have adapted to a parent who did not take responsibility for themselves. Behaviour can also be learned by copying the other parent’s codependent behaviour towards a parent with, for example, substance abuse. Thus, codependency is often an intergenerational problem that may have lasted for several generations.
Behind the behaviour, there may be long-standing feelings of shame and guilt. Involvement with others can cause people to avoid feeling and expressing their own emotions. When you are codependent on another, you don’t focus on your own life but become preoccupied with the other person’s thoughts. This concern is not always realistic. It can also make it more difficult for the codependent person to seek help for their problem.
Caring for others is healthy. However, codependency is often unrealistic and exaggerated in ways that negatively affect oneself and others. But there is help available.
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Codependent alcoholic
The term codependency was coined by doctors treating people with alcohol abuse, where the doctors saw that the spouses also needed help. These spouses would cover and excuse the alcoholic’s behaviour. This makes it more difficult for alcoholics to overcome their addiction. They do not have to take responsibility for their lives. When these alcoholics became sober, wives could be bitter and angry with their husbands. As a result, methods to deal with codependency must be developed.
In the 1950s, in the United States, self-help groups and treatments were set up for relatives of alcoholics. Since then, the concept has been broadened to include a variety of addictions and problem areas. This can range from drug addiction, gambling addiction, mental health problems in children or romantic relationships with people who have personality problems or criminality.
Codependent destructive relationship
If you are in a bad relationship, you may also have developed a codependency. It doesn’t have to be substance abuse, but sometimes you may have adapted to another person’s destructive behaviour and placed your feelings or needs to one side.
There may be underlying attachment issues and relationship patterns that need to change. You may notice that your partner quickly becomes angry or critical. You repeat the same conflicts and discussions without making progress. For milder relationship problems, we have psychologists and couples therapists at Lavendla who can help.
For more severe problems such as domestic violence, you may have developed an approach where you explain away the person’s behaviour or problems. In these situations, the bond with the other person can be challenging, and it is essential to seek help quickly. If you know someone close to you or are in a violent relationship yourself, you can contact the police at 10111. It is essential to ask for help and to get out of this kind of relationship as soon as possible.
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Consequences of codependency
If you are in a codependent relationship with someone close to you, you need to stop and reflect on what you want and what the consequences might be. Being codependent is stressful, and the behaviour can lead to your mental and physical health deteriorating. It’s essential to seek help if you notice codependent behaviour to avoid falling into a pattern that reduces your quality of life.
Symptoms of codependency
Codependency is a cycle that often develops early in life in close relationships. It can also continue into adulthood. The symptoms of codependency are common but an experience that people may have when they are close to someone with severe problems.
Common characteristics of codependency are:
- Excessive focus on the other person: You may focus on the other person’s feelings, needs and problems, sometimes neglecting your interests and needs.
- Lack of boundaries: Codependent relationships are often characterized by a lack of healthy boundaries. The codependent person may have difficulty communicating their feelings and needs and may be afraid of what a boundary would mean for the relationship. They may also find it difficult to say no, which could lead to negative consequences.
- Change in self-esteem based on the well-being of the other person: A codependent person may be so preoccupied with the other person that they do not have a sense of self-worth and cannot regulate their emotions because of how the other person is feeling.
- Fear of being abandoned or lonely: Codependent people may fear being alone or abandoned and may, therefore, stay in unhealthy relationships even if they are harmful to them.
- Taking excessive responsibility for the other person’s problems: A codependent person may feel that it is their responsibility to solve the other person’s issues or save them from difficulties.
- Devaluation of their needs: The codependent person does not take responsibility for their own needs and desires but instead focuses on the other person.
If you recognize these symptoms, you may want to seek treatment. Although changing your patterns is possible, it may take some time.
12 FAQs about Codependency
What is codependency?
Codependency in addiction treatment is used to describe the relationship of a person close to the person with an addiction. It refers to developing a relationship dynamic in which a person becomes so preoccupied with another person’s problems that they overlook their need for boundaries.
Is codependency a diagnosis?
No, codependency is not a psychiatric diagnosis, but it can be explained by various conditions such as anxiety, depression, trauma, attachment problems and personality problems.
Can codependency be cured?
Codependency can be cured but it can take time and requires in-depth work on thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
What are the signs that I may be co-dependent?
Signs include being very preoccupied with another person’s problems to the detriment of your own life and needs.
What are the risks of codependency?
Codependencies include getting stuck in a destructive pattern that does not make you feel good or help your loved ones heal. You may also experience high levels of stress and depression.
How common is codependency?
On average, 1 in 10 people report being negatively affected by someone else’s alcohol consumption.
What treatment options are available?
There are several different types of treatment, such as medication, therapy and support groups.
How long does it take to get rid of codependency?
It varies from person to person and depends on what kind of therapy you receive. If you have underlying trauma from your childhood, treatment may take longer.
Can codependency be a sign of other problems, such as mental illness?
Codependency is common in substance abuse, you can be codependent in destructive or abusive relationships with someone with mental health problems.
What resources are available?
In addition to our professional therapists and psychologists, many websites, books, and support groups can offer additional information and support.
Can I be treated online?
Yes, at Lavendla, all of our therapists’ and psychologists’ sessions are online via video conferencing.
What can I do if I want to be free from my codependency?
At Lavendla, we have psychologists and qualified therapists who can help. We aim to make the difficult easier.
Treatment for codependency
Treatment for codependency includes a variety of interventions, often you will need psychotherapy with a psychologist or psychotherapist. You may also need more support from support groups and self-help. Treatment can take a long time because you need to work to understand your patterns and break the behaviours. It is possible to heal and improve your quality of life. Therapy can include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to work on anxiety related to co-dependency, depression and low self-esteem. It can also aid you in understanding why things have developed the way they have, manage your emotions, and practice setting boundaries. You can also go to family therapy or couples therapy if the addict is now sober to explore your patterns and relationship together.
The 12-step co-dependency program
The 12-step program is a self-help organization for people who suffer from various types of addiction and codependency. It is a voluntary, donation-based association. You need to remember that the 12-step program does not replace psychotherapy but can complement it. For family members, there is Alcoholics Anonymous and Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) where you can go to talk about your experiences and meet others who are also experiencing similar problems.
Codependency self-help
To learn more about what codependency can be and increase your understanding of yourself, there is a lot of self-help literature that you can read. Many people have written extensively on the subject.
Finding help: therapies and support
Many therapies, such as CBT for addiction, are effective in treating both abuse and addiction. Other forms of support, such as family support for addiction, can be essential for those living close to someone suffering from these problems. Even if you are not struggling with addiction, you may still need help dealing with the thoughts and feelings of a loved one who is.
From conversation to understanding and change
Talk therapy is often the first step in seeking help. Working with a psychologist or therapist, you can begin to understand your symptoms and triggers, which is crucial for long-term change.
When professional help is unavoidable
If you are living close to someone with an addiction, you must seek professional help. Help is available, and support is just a click away. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help.
The first step to change
Book a 20—or 45-minute session with a qualified coach, therapist, or psychologist today via our website booking form. If the time is not right now, remember that you can always return when ready to make a change. Together, we make the hard things easier.
