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Our connections with others play a fundamental role in shaping our lives, affecting our emotions and behaviours. In this article, we explore the concept of connection and provide actionable tips to enhance it.
What is connection?
Connection is a deep and lasting emotional bond between a child and their caregiver during the first years of life. This bond is crucial to the child’s emotional development and affects their ability to build relationships throughout their lives.
Connection theory, introduced by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the mid-20th century, emphasizes the importance of a secure relationship between child and caregiver for healthy psychological development.
Connection can affect us throughout our lives, but if you have an insecure connection, there are things you can do to improve it.
What set our therapist apart was her genuine empathy and personal insight. Not only did she possess a deep understanding of neurodiversity, but she also shared personal experiences that resonated with us, creating an instant connection and fostering a sense of trust!
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The theory behind connection
Connection theory explains how the quality of early connection affects a child’s behaviour and interactions in future relationships, both in childhood and later in life. A secure connection is formed when the caregiver is emotionally available and responsive to the child’s needs, giving the child a sense of safety and security. Children with secure connections tend to develop strong self-esteem, independence and the ability to cope with emotions and stress.
In contrast, insecure connections can occur when the caregiver is inconsistent, unavailable, or unresponsive, which can negatively affect the child’s emotional health and relationships. Research in connection theory has significantly impacted the understanding of child development and contributed to developing interventions to support and improve the relationship between child and caregiver. Promoting secure connections can lay the foundation for children’s well-being and success.
Different connection styles
Connection styles, formed early in life through interactions with caregivers, influence our relationships throughout life. The four main styles – secure, avoidant, ambivalent and disorganized – influence how we deal with intimacy and dependence. A secure connection involves comfort and closeness, while avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized connections can lead to relationship challenges due to independence, insecurity, and stress management. Understanding these styles offers insights for personal development and guidance for building healthier relationships.
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Connection in children
Connection in children is a fundamental part of their emotional and psychological development. The deep, emotional bond children develop with their primary caregivers is crucial to their sense of security and well-being. From birth, children seek the closeness and comfort of their caregivers to protect them from danger and meet their needs. This interaction underpins the development of the child’s connection style, which can vary depending on the quality of the caregiver’s response to the child’s needs. The four main connection styles include:
- Secure connection: Children feel safe when the caregiver is present, become upset when separated, and calm down when the caregiver returns. These children have learned that their needs will be met in a predictable way.
- Avoidant connection: Children avoid contact and interaction with the caregiver after a separation. This can develop when the caregiver consistently ignores or rejects the child’s needs.
- Ambivalent (or contradictory) connection: Children show ambivalence and may seek and reject contact. This often occurs when the caregiver is inconsistent in meeting the child’s needs.
- Disorganized connection: Children exhibit disorganized and disoriented behaviours in the caregiver’s presence. This style can arise from trauma, abuse, or extreme inconsistency from the caregiver.
A secure connection is ideal for child development, promoting self-confidence, emotional balance and coping with stress. On the other hand, insecure connection styles can lead to various challenges in emotional regulation and relationships later in life.
To promote secure connection, caregivers must be sensitively attuned to the child’s cues, consistently meet their emotional and physical needs, and offer a sense of safety and trust. This includes being present and available, responding to crying and expressions of discomfort in a calm and comforting way, and encouraging exploration and independence with support and encouragement.
Understanding connection in children is essential for anyone working with or raising children, as it helps build a strong foundation for a child’s future well-being and promotes healthy interpersonal relationships for the rest of their lives.
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How can you create a secure connection with your child?
Creating a secure connection between a child and their caregiver is a fundamental process that lays the foundation for their emotional and psychological development. A secure connection gives the child a sense of safety and trust, which is crucial for their future relationships and well-being. Here are some ways in which caregivers can promote the development of secure connections:
1. Be emotionally available
Being emotionally available means attentively listening and responding to your child’s needs. It involves being present, not only physically but also emotionally, to provide comfort and support when needed.
2. Responding consistently to your child’s needs
Consistent caregiver response helps the child feel understood and valued. This means responding quickly and predictably to crying, signals of hunger, tiredness or desire for closeness and comfort.
3. Creating and maintaining routines
Regular routines for feeding, sleeping and playing help create a sense of predictability and security for your child. It helps them understand their world and feel confident that their needs will be met.
4. Encourage exploration
Secure connection is about meeting the child’s basic needs and encouraging and supporting their exploration of the world around them. By giving your child the space to explore safely, you can help them develop independence and self-confidence.
5. Be a safe base
For children to feel confident about exploring their surroundings, they need to know they have a safe base to return to. The child can feel safe to explore and learn new things by being a source of comfort and security.
6. Showing love and affection
Physical closeness, such as hugs and loving touch, are essential expressions of love and affection that strengthen the bond of connection. Showing love and appreciation regularly helps your child feel valuable and loved.
7. Talking about feelings
Helping children to understand and express their feelings healthily is important for their emotional development. You teach your child how to manage their emotions by talking about and naming emotions and showing that all emotions are okay.
By incorporating these principles into everyday life, caregivers can create a stable and secure foundation for their children’s emotional development, laying the groundwork for their ability to build healthy relationships throughout their lives.
Treatment with a child psychologist
Seeking help from a child psychologist is a crucial step when a child is experiencing mental health difficulties. Standard treatment methods include play therapy for younger children, where play is used as a tool for expression and processing, and other methods developed for therapy with children— for older children, focusing on changing negative thought patterns and behaviours, can be used. Parents can receive counselling and support to help their children better. Working with a child psychologist can give your child the tools to manage their emotions and behaviours healthily.
12 FAQs about Connection
What is attachment?
Attachment is a deep and lasting emotional bond that develops between a child and their caregiver during the first years of life. This bond is crucial to the child’s emotional development and affects their ability to build relationships.
Who developed attachment theory?
The theory of attachment, introduced by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the mid-20th century, emphasizes the importance of a secure relationship between child and caregiver for healthy psychological development.
What are the different attachment styles?
Based on our early experiences with our caregivers, attachment styles shape how we interact and build relationships throughout life. The four main types—secure, avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized—influence our ability to attach, manage emotions, and respond to closeness and distance in relationships.
How can you tell if a child has a secure attachment?
Children feel secure when the caregiver is present, get upset when separated, and calm down when the caregiver returns. They have learned that the caregiver will meet their needs.
How can insecure-avoidant attachment manifest itself in children?
Children avoid contact and interaction with the caregiver after a separation. This can develop when the caregiver consistently ignores or rejects the child’s needs.
How can insecure ambivalent attachment be noticed in children?
Children show ambivalence and may both seek and reject contact. This often occurs when the caregiver is inconsistent in meeting the child’s needs.
What is disorganized attachment, and how does it manifest in children?
Children exhibit disorganized and disoriented behaviours in the presence of the caregiver. This style can arise from trauma, abuse, or extreme inconsistency from the caregiver.
How can you create a secure attachment with your child?
Creating a secure attachment is crucial to a child’s development. It involves being emotionally available, consistently responding to needs, creating routines, encouraging exploration, being a secure base, showing love and discussing feelings. These actions build a solid foundation for the child’s emotional well-being and future relationships.
What is a child psychologist?
A child psychologist is a licensed professional with knowledge and experience working for children’s and parents’ well-being and mental health. They offer therapy and counselling and work with families in parental support and the whole family when needed. They also collaborate with schools to create good conditions for the child.
Can I see a child psychologist privately?
It is possible to receive psychological treatment for attachment problems. At Lavendla we offer private psychologists and therapists who can aid you in managing your child’s attachment issues.
How long is the treatment?
The treatment is adapted to the nature of the child’s or parent’s problem. When it comes to attachment, it is often a longer treatment.
Where can I go if I or my child needs help from a child psychologist?
At Lavendla, we have experienced child psychologists who can help.
How can a treatment with a child psychologist work?
Seeking help from a child psychologist is an important step when a child is experiencing mental health difficulties or if you are having difficulties as a parent. Here is a brief overview of what treatment can look like:
First step: Initial consultation, in which the psychologist assesses needs through conversations with the child and parents.
Treatment plan: An individualized plan is developed, based on the child’s specific situation and needs.
Types of therapy: Common methods include play therapy for younger children, where play is used as a tool for expression and processing, but other methods can also be helpful. Talk therapy and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy focus on changing negative thought patterns and behaviours in older children.
Parental counselling: Parents receive guidance and support to help their child better at home.
Monitoring and adjustment: The treatment plan is continuously evaluated to ensure the best possible outcome.
It is important to remember that each child is unique so treatment may vary. Working together with a child psychologist can give you and your child the tools they need to manage their emotions and behaviours in a healthy way. At Lavendla, we have child psychologists who can help make the hard stuff easier.
