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Do you feel inadequate, wrong, or unworthy, and is it linked to a perception of not living up to your own or others' expectations? Here, we explore shame and what you can do about it.
What is shame?
Shame is a deep and often painful feeling when people judge themselves as inadequate, wrong or unworthy. This feeling is usually linked to a perception of not living up to one’s or others’ expectations and standards.
Shame involves inner criticism and can make the person feel less worthy than others. Unlike guilt, which focuses on specific actions or behaviours, shame concerns the person’s self-perception. Feelings of shame can hurt an individual’s self-esteem, social relationships and overall mental health. They can arise in many different contexts, including social interaction, failure, or not achieving personal goals.
Working on understanding and managing feelings of shame is often an essential part of psychological therapy and personal development.
Our basic emotions
Primary emotions are universal feelings that people everywhere experience, regardless of cultural background. These innate emotions include joy, interest, sadness, fear, anger, shame/guilt, surprise and disgust. Each emotion responds to specific stimuli and has a unique function, from warning us of danger to motivating us to act against obstacles or injustices. They are fundamental to our ability to navigate social environments and directly influence our actions and decision-making processes, making them central to the human experience.
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Why do people feel shame?
Feelings of shame arise from a mix of internal and external factors, including social and cultural norms that set standards for acceptable behaviour, early experiences of criticism or neglect, the individual’s self-esteem and personality, failures in various areas of life, social comparisons often exacerbated by social media and internal conflicts around personal values or identity. These feelings are deeply rooted and affect individuals’ self-image and psychological well-being. It can be part of other mental health problems, such as depression and relationship problems. Managing feelings of shame can involve exploring underlying causes through psychotherapy or personal reflection.
Do feelings of shame serve a purpose?
Feelings of shame act as a social regulation mechanism, encourage self-reflection, promote the development of empathy and relationships, and are central to moral development. They help us adapt our behaviour to social norms, learn from mistakes, and understand how our actions affect others. While shame can contribute to personal growth, it is essential to manage these emotions healthily to avoid adverse psychological effects such as low self-esteem and depression. Constructively processing shame is crucial for emotional well-being.
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How can you deal with feelings of shame?
Managing feelings of shame involves first identifying what triggers them. Openly expressing and sharing these feelings with someone you trust can be essential to gaining perspective and processing them. A key strategy is challenging and reassessing the negative thought patterns contributing to shame, replacing self-criticism with self-compassion and understanding. It also helps to see shame as a natural, if painful, part of the human experience and not something that defines your worth.
Adjusting your goals and expectations of yourself to make them more realistic can reduce the pressure and shame that come with failure or not living up to a certain standard. For those who find feelings of shame overwhelming and hindering in everyday life, professional help through psychotherapy can offer deeper insights and practical tools to manage and process these feelings. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can also help reduce the anxiety and stress often associated with shame.
Working with shame is a gradual process that requires patience and commitment. By building a foundation of self-compassion and actively working to understand and accept yourself, you can reduce the impact of shame on your life and well-being.
Treatment for feelings of shame
Treatment for shame includes psychotherapy using techniques such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Psychodynamic Therapy, Schema Therapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). All of these aim to address negative thought patterns and explore the underlying causes of shame. Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) is also a critical approach designed to help individuals develop self-compassion and reduce self-criticism by encouraging a more compassionate approach to themselves and their experiences.
Group therapy offers additional support by reducing feelings of isolation. Self-help strategies, including self-compassion and mindfulness, facilitate an accepting attitude towards feelings of shame. Lifestyle changes such as regular exercise, a balanced diet and good sleep hygiene are essential in supporting mental health. For those cases where shame is linked to other mental health conditions, medical treatment may also be relevant. Actively seeking professional help to address guilt is crucial to building a stronger and more compassionate self-image.
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12 FAQs about Feelings of Shame
What is shame?
Shame is a deep and often painful feeling when people judge themselves as inadequate, wrong or unworthy. This feeling is usually linked to a perception of not living up to one’s or others’ expectations and standards.
What is the difference between shame and guilt?
Unlike guilt, which focuses on specific actions or behaviours, shame concerns the person’s self-perception. Guilt says ‘I have done wrong’ while shame often involves thoughts that ‘I am wrong’.
What are our basic emotions?
Primary emotions are universal feelings that people everywhere experience, regardless of cultural background. These innate emotions include joy, interest, sadness, fear, anger, shame/guilt, surprise and disgust.
Why do people feel shame?
Feelings of shame arise from a mixture of internal and external factors, including social and cultural norms that set standards for acceptable behaviour, early experiences of criticism or neglect, an individual’s self-esteem and personality, failures in different areas of life, social comparisons, and internal conflicts about personal values or identity can contribute to feelings of shame.
What is the function of shame?
Feelings of shame act as a social regulation mechanism, encourage self-reflection, promote the development of empathy and relationships, and are central to moral development. They help us adapt our behaviour to social norms, learn from mistakes, and understand how our actions affect others. If you have unrealistic or intense shame, it may be a sign that you have shame that is not functional, and you may need therapy.
How can you deal with shame?
To manage shame effectively, it is essential to identify its sources, share the feelings, and actively work on replacing self-criticism with self-compassion. If feelings of shame become overwhelming, psychotherapy can offer tools to process the emotions and reduce anxiety.
How can shame be treated?
Feelings of shame can be treated with different methods, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, schema therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT). Lifestyle factors, self-help, group therapy, and, if necessary, medication can also be helpful.
What is CBT?
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is an evidence-based form of psychotherapy that aims to change negative thought patterns, emotions and behaviours that contribute to mental illness.
What is CFT?
Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) is a treatment method that focuses on increasing and strengthening compassion, both towards oneself and others, and thus managing and overcoming psychological distress and feelings of shame.
Are feelings of shame part of mental health problems?
Feelings of shame can be part of different types of mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression and relationship problems. Contact a psychologist or therapist to get an assessment based on your situation.
Can you get therapy online?
It is possible to receive treatment online, at Lavendla we have psychologists and therapists who work digitally.
Where can I seek help?
We recommend contacting a licensed psychologist or therapist if you want to get therapy. You can book a first appointment with one of our therapists here at Lavendla. We make the hard things more accessible.
Treatment with cognitive behavioural therapy
Treatment approaches can differ between different schools of therapy. This is what a treatment can look like with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which is a method that can be used for many different problem areas and conditions:
Understanding and assessment
The first step is to understand the problem and that it is okay to seek help for it. A licensed psychologist can help you assess your situation based on your life situation. You can also fill in assessment forms.
Psychoeducation and objectives
You will learn about the problem and how it affects you physically and mentally. Understanding what is happening in your body, thoughts, and feelings is essential. It also involves setting goals for treatment.
Tools to change behaviours and patterns
This works on identifying and changing thinking patterns linked to the problem. It will help you develop a more subtle picture, increase your ability to manage emotions and thoughts, and change behaviours. You will explore situations with your therapist and learn how to deal with them. You will also be given homework to practice between sessions.
Monitoring and evaluating progress
Your psychologist will support you throughout the process. At the end of the treatment, you will also receive a plan to continue practising and maintain your progress over time. Feel free to book a first session with a psychologist or therapist to see how we can help you.
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